My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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