Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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