True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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