I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
The uberlube is also flammable
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
