If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
