I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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