The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
So much Jack, so little girl.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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