my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
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