i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
my being single is dangerous.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
