i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
