I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
