One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Enjoy the penises
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
