Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Floor bacon is actually really good
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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