Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
