i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
