Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
