Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
