i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
