I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
