i wish my penis had a tongue
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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