i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Help me help you realize you are a moron
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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