i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
