Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
