oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
that may or may not have been my penis.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
