He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
