Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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