Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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