I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
