Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Randomize
