explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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