I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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