Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
