That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize