too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Randomize
