i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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