is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
