Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize