I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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