I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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