I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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