I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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