I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
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