omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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