he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
