Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
