my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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