That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
