remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
