so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
