The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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