I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
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We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
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Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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