She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
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Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
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I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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