I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
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It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
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His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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