My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
