I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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