I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
