She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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